Its been an overwhelming week.. Bay Area and then, Pittsburgh. It was a really good trip. But, I am travelling a bit too much for a regular Masters student.
I am travelling back to Bloomington, and just saw Shekar Kammula's "Dollar Dreams". Basically, the same old question - Is it really worth going out of India? If so, is coming back a practical and feasible thing? What about missing Pani-puri? What about family? What about country? Right now, I am feeling just terrible... just when I was feeling great on getting three good internships (and soon earning big dollar bucks), this movie reminds me of myself and my priorities in life.
Life has changed so much today in the last few months. US has given me so much confidence in myself when I needed it the most. I feel accepted, important, happy and cool most of the time.. being around systems that work and friends that matter. What else do I want in life? Oh well, just a wife, and everything else follows? I certainly dont want to fall into this regular life routine thing, but I have to do this for my parents. But, at the same time, I always keep debating myself for that one STRONG reason why I need to get back. I have found that telling myself, "I will go back when I am ready to make the movies I want to make" makes me happy. But, am I being a hypocrist by being abstract?
A little internship made me thinking about what to with the money.. an Intel Mac or video-equipment or save money for parents' tickets for my convocation.. I hope that I dont get lost in these dollar dreams. Kudos to Shekar Kammula. I want to be you, I want to come back and make movies. Let me save the dollars!
The movie has this character called Srinu - who is dangerously similar to what I was before I got here. He is sensistive, confused and impulsive. He hates the idea of doing things for the heck of it. He challenges tradition, values simplicity. He wants to do something that is useful and sensible to his country.. but doesnt know how. Only an Indian MBA looks like an okay option. But, he fails continuously to get even an admission. However, he has a strong force in his life in the form of a journalist friend (possibly future wife too) who keeps him on the track he wants to be. I hope I get such a reckoning strength in the form of my wife.
These dialogues pinch me to remind myself of my past:
"Jaana hai to jaa... lekin aise haar ke mat jaa... koshish kar yaar... ek aur baar..."
and Sri is in Jamnalal Bajaj the next year. I gave myself two years too, but couldn't do it... so have I come here having failed in India? I dont think so... I think choosing HCI and IU, Bloomington was one of the nicest things to happen to me... and in retrospect suits me far better than a traditional Indian MBA... I am not yet ready for it...
And, now I am like..
"Go there... see... learn... think about where we went wrong... and come and help everyone understand the right ways"